Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Keeping the momentum going...
It's nearly bed time and I am laying in my bed with my trusty iBook (gosh I love laptops) and I just realized that I need to take my medication and test my blood sugar before I can go to sleep. The thing is, I don't feel like getting up and testing and finding a drink and blah, blah, blah. Now, I know that I have to test, I mean of all of the times of day to let it slip, bedtime is probably one of, if not THE, worst time to do so, but I am tired, and in my bed, and could totally roll over and fall asleep. This struggle-the struggle between doing what is best for me, and doing what the willful/tired/busy/whatever part of me wants to do-is daily. I have been struggling to do an adequate amount of tests each day. My meter keeps a 14 day average and 14 days ago, I had a total of 20 tests in 14 days. Not good. Not only was the number of blood sugars not so stellar, but the average bs wasn't so great either. I don't like the way I feel emotionally or physically when I am not taking care of my diabetes, but sometimes I let "life" get in the way. I put testing off for 5 minutes, then I forget and an hour goes by, then 3 hours, and on some days it ends up being all day. I will admit that in the last few months there have been several days where I have tested only once and occasionally not at all. This is unhealthy, and not good for my morale either.
Now, I give myself a little credit because in my younger days (like a year ago) I would have avoided Joslin like the plague, not wanting to see or have my CDE or endo see my awful control. But what I decided recently, was that ultimately there was nothing they could/would DO to hurt me. It wasn't like they were going to punish me, or perhaps even worse in my mind, abandon me for struggling. So I have been to Joslin 3 times in the last 6 months and have been honest about my difficulty and the result has been wonderful. The amount of support that I have received has been phenomenal. And none of it has made me feel stupid, or like a failure, or like a helpless kid faced with more than I can handle. In fact, I have felt empowered. With the help of my treatment team I have allowed myself to acknowledge the fact that I have a touch of diabetes burnout perhaps made more intense by the realization of my 20th anniversary. At first I fought this because I, Nicole, do not get burned out!!! After 20 years I should just be used to diabetes and all it entails and be thankful that it isn't something terminal or disfiguring or totally disabling. With a little guidance I realized that this way of thinking only makes my life more painful. I don't need to be perfect, in fact it's impossible and that's ok. So with my new found acceptance of my diabetes related stress/exhaustion I have started doing my best to build a routine which includes healthy diabetes habits. When the alarm on my pump goes off, out comes my meter and within 45 seconds the whole thing will be over and I can get back to what I was doing. No putting things off, no making it out to be a bigger task than it is, just getting it done and over with.
I recently checked my meter (like an hour ago) and in the last 14 days I have done 62 tests which comes out to 4 1/2 tests a day. Some days have had 5 tests, most 4, but none with less than 3. And after sending Kelly, my CDE, my blood sugars, we were able to adjust my insulin so that many of those 62 blood sugars, are just wonderful! What is that Nike slogan "Just Do It"? Well that's my new diabetes slogan. And as I see the number of blood tests I am doing increase, and my average blood sugar decrease, I am enjoying taking care of myself. All I need to do is keep the momentum going and when I start to slow down, to remember how wonderful caring for myself feels.