Sunday, July 16, 2006

On being chubby

Ugh...So as a young woman and a pwd I am very aware of my weight. I come from a family of uhhhh, shall we say, solid women. None of the women on either side of my family are what you would call thin and even when we are at our healthiest we have athletic builds. In other words we will nevber be size 3's most of us never size 5's. That's fine. We are who we are. But sometimes it isn't as ok with me as it is at others. I mean I need to work very hard to not be overweight. I have to eat very well AND excerise. I understand that much of the population is in the same boat and most of them probably don't complain, but sometimes it just drives me crazy. I mean I have to test all the time, take my insulin, count my carbs, stay healthy and I can never take a break from that and be safe and healthy. On top of that, if I want to look ok, feel ok, and not gain 5 to 10 lbs I have to eat well and excercise nearly every day. What frustrates me is that I seem to have a very large number of friends who don't exercise and eat like crap and still remain thin. I mean actually thin with decent abs and all that stuff. I mean I love my body 75% of the time. It has done pretty well by me, but sometimes, I wwould like to be able to take a week or two off from exercising 5 times a week and not gain weight. I guess part of me needs to let go of wanting to look like other people. I am who I am and I always will be so that's that. But sometimes that same willful 6 year old that doesn't want to test or take care of her diabetes doesn't feel like exercising all the time and wants to look good and feel good physically in the weight department without making an effort. Or at least be able to take a break from some aspect of my physical identity.

And call me crazy, but I think when I start a new exercise regime I actually gain weight until I figure out my insulin and eating. I mean I go between being really high and then low and being low means eating more and then when I go high from being to skimpy on the insulin or to hewavy on the food I have to take more insulin which doesn't help with weight loss. And of course some exercise hits me right away like running, but others, like biking hit me anywhere from 2 to 4 hours later, so I have to figure out when to decrease my basal, when to eat more, etc... Oh I know I am a whiner, but sometimes, I wish I could take a break from thinking about my body. Sometimes, I want to just be. That's all, just go about my day and think about what I am doing at the moment and not worry about basals, boluses, miles run, hours biked etc.. It's hard to truly be in the moment when you have diabetes and health is your number one priority.

So, my closing thoughts:
1)Being healthy all the time is stressful and tiring even though necessary.
2)One area of control I can take is not always associating weight with attractiveness. I want to exercise and be a healthy weight so that I can live a long, productive life with as little illness as possible not to look hot (although it is a nice added bonus)
3)The body I have is the one I have for the rest of my life and I guess I just have to honor it and try to focus on the wonderful things I have accomplished with it.
NOTE: I guess these things are just easier said than done.

1 comment:

art-sweet said...

Amen. I try to think about healthy, being good to my body for its own sake not for the sake of how someone else looks at it... but that's damn hard.